Are You Stealing From Your Kids?

“The worst thing you can do for those you love is the things they could and should do for themselves.” 

– Abraham Lincoln

Note: This blog is part of our Valuables series, where we’re discussing intentional ways affluent families can pass along generational wealth and happiness.

I know many successful and affluent families can relate to the conundrum Lincoln identified. Think back to the greatest gifts you’ve received, the things you value the most. More often than not, these aren’t the material things. They’re the self-esteem, the sense of self-sufficiency, the pride in what we’ve earned and created ourselves. These are the things that truly shape us.

Consider this: A Harvard study followed 454 kids for 70 years. They evaluated the kids in the areas of mental illness, addiction and self-esteem.  The only thing that correlated with self-esteem was whether or not they worked as a child.  The kids who had some form of consistent responsibility had considerably higher self-esteem than the kids who did not.  The study concluded that, when everything is done for a child, he or she is being set up for struggles.

When you have the means to provide anything – and everything – for your children, how do you balance providing for them without stealing from them experiences of their own? How do we teach them the values of hard work, failure, and struggle, despite having the ability to make their lives comfortable?

In short, by doing everything for your kids, you may be robbing them of a crucial learning experience.

In my own personal childhood, I remember my parents being very generous with my siblings and me. They paid for vacations, school, and so much more. However, the experiences that stand out the most to me are the ones where I had to work hard and earn money on my own. One summer, my friends and I started a window-washing business. It was hard, physical work, and organizing it with my buddies was a real challenge. But the money I made from that job? It was the best money I ever had. Why? Because I earned it myself.

Fast forward to adulthood, when my wife and I were just starting out, and starting to raise kids of our own. We had to buckle down and work hard. It was challenging, and even scary at times. But as I look back, I realize that hard work is what we are most proud of. It gave us a strong sense of self-reliance, capability, and self-esteem. Experiencing those struggles and challenges and learning from them shaped us into the hardworking people we are today.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure there’s any way to hack that process; I think you have to go through it to learn it.

So, where does that leave us as parents? Here’s the hard truth: when we provide too much for our kids and meet all their needs and wants without letting them work for it, we’re stealing from them. We’re stealing their chance to learn to do things for and by themselves, to develop their own self-esteem, to face failure and struggle, and to overcome those challenges. We’re stealing these formative experiences with them without even realizing it.

One of the real dangers of affluence is the temptation to helicopter-parent – that is, to swoop in and solve every problem for our kids. But in doing so, we rob them of the opportunity to build their own resilience. It’s incumbent on us, as parents, to let them face difficulties, let them fail, and let them figure out how to pick themselves back up. That’s where real growth happens.

So, let’s commit to giving our kids the greatest gift we can: the chance to earn their own success, build their own self-worth, and create their own path in life. It won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it. You have to grow through what you go through.